Wired for Love
Updated: Feb 28, 2019
Wired for Love. How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship
Stan Tatkin, Psy. D.
Wired for Love is a guide to understanding your partner’s brain and enjoying a romantic relationship built on love and trust. The book synthesizes research findings in neuroscience, attachment theory, and emotion regulation, on how and why love lasts.
The author of Wired for love, Dr. Stan Tatkin, is a clinician, teacher, and developer of the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT). Dr. Tatkin, argues that the wiring in our brain determines how we react when we receive signals from others calling for connection. He argues that two factors shape that wiring and affect how we respond to intimacy as adults: the early attachments we form with our primary caregivers, and the relationships we witnessed in our family of origin. According to Dr. Tatkin, based on those experiences we develop into one of three types in their romantic relationships as adults: “anchors,” “islands,” or “waves.” When feeling threatened in a relationship, these three types will often revert to different, more primitive, reactive stances (i.e., attack, retreat).
Dr. Tatkin proposes that every person is wired for love differently, with different habits, needs, and reactions to conflict and perceived threat. He also argues that most people’s minds respond well to security, attachment, and rituals, which make the brain capable for greater love and fewer conflicts.
According to Dr. Tatkin, creating and maintaining a safe “couple bubble,” using rituals to stay connected, learning to manage conflict in a way that nobody “loses,” and becoming the expert on what makes your partner feel loved can improve any relationship.
Love may be an "inexact" science; however, if you can discover and accept that you and your partner are “wired” differently, you can overcome your differences to create a lasting intimate connection.